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Do you know who I’m referring to when I say, “difficult mom?”
Whose face pops into your head right away? I’m sure we all know someone who could qualify, right?
It’s hard to be a mom and it’s even harder to be a mom when another mom is criticizing your every move. It’s like, “HEY! We’re supposed to be on the same team, right!?”
Some moms are just so mean–especially online! Just check out these examples–Here, here, and another example here
So much of the parenting stress I used to fall into had to do with what other people would think and if I could get the approval of those around me.
When the real question SHOULD have been…have a I prayed about it and does it get HIS approval? I wish it always came that easy for me, but now that my kids aren’t babies anymore it is not as difficult for me to have confidence in my parenting choices.
Because, let’s face it, moms who have babies face a lot of options. If you have had a baby in the past couple of years, then you get it. If it’s been more than a couple of years then you have probably blocked it from your memory.
Let me refresh your memory: hospital v home birth, epidural or all natural, circumcise or uncircumcised, disposable diapers v cloth diapers, co-sleeping or crib, formula v. breast milk (and then a step further–breast v bottle), pacifier or no pacifier, belly v back, cry it out or hold, work outside the home or stay home with baby, daycare or nanny, solids before age 1 or not, baby wearing or stroller, front facing car seat at age 1 or rear facing car seat until age 10 (just kidding.) And that’s all just when they’re babies. I’m tired just making that list.
Here is some advice for dealing with those difficult “bully moms”:
- Understand Her–you see, she is probably dealing with her own problems and maybe she feels insecure about the decisions she has made or is making. Seriously, it’s so much easier to hold an opinion when everyone else in the room holds the same one. That’s why people join message boards and facebook pages devoted to their cause. Because it feels good to be around like-minded peeps–and rather uncomfortable to be the only “weirdo” around. When you feel that heated, judgmental shadow creep over you; fight to keep your own feelings in check. Pray for her.
- Just listen to her–Unless you are also one of “those” moms, then this should be easy. I have kind of trained myself to enjoy passionate people. I genuinely love it when moms devote so much brain power to an issue. Instead of hearing, “my way is the only way and if you don’t do it my way you are wrong, wrong, wrong!” I now hear, “This is how I do things and this is why” Mostly these women want to share their passion with you–think of it like a book or movie recommendation–maybe you don’t want to read that book or see that movie, but you’re not going to get angry at someone for telling you it’s good, right? I think this will continue to get easier as my kids get older. I hear that with age comes wisdom–
- Do not let her opinion become your opinion–When my first son was born, I was fielding “advice” from every direction about every topic. When what I was doing didn’t line up exactly with another person’s viewpoint, it would wreck me! Mostly it was the other mom with the ironclad belief system (aka: THAT MOM) that would make me feel like I was doing everything something wrong. Before I knew it, I didn’t know what I was doing or why. Ugh–those days were stressful, because back then, I didn’t have a very full prayer life or a great support system. Now I know how essential those 2 things are to a new mom–to know that confidence doesn’t come from other people, but from God…so other people’s opinions are their own and you don’t have to make them your’s too.
- And if you have to say something–treat her as you would want to be treated. Easy right? Haha–Gracefully state your opinion without criticizing her opinion and making her feel small. I’ve never been very good at this step–so I usually skip it!
- Just walk away–It happens sometimes…the friend that just won’t back down and constantly belittles you. Friends, let’s not put ourselves through that. Just cut the ties and walk away–with grace and dignity. It will be so tempting to stomp her down and give her a taste of her own medicine…but resist that. But if necessary, tell her the truth–explain that her attitudes and opinions are hurting you. Yes, it would be a difficult conversation, but you just gotta do it.
Have you ever encountered one of “those moms,” if so, how did you deal with her? Leave me a comment and let me know–I’ll add it to the list.
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Great advice Ally, sometimes some of these moms just take you by surprise.
That is some great advise. Advice I need to follow. I have a problem of speaking my mind way to much. So if someone tries to be a “bully mom” with me I have a hard time biting my tongue. I think the biggest incident was when someone told me I was depriving my kids of an imagination because we do not do Halloween and while we do celebrate Christmas we do not do Santa… I just shot them a look and told them to come spend a day with my kids!
i’m praying – my mom is one of those “difficult moms” – even at my age…
I have made it a job to praise young mothers on their “mothering.” I’ve seen them argue on social media and it makes me sad. You know, I don’t ever think I’ve seen a difficult mom argue about life threatening issues. They are always preference. How much better to just hug a young mother and assure them they are the right momma for their child.
This is just a speculation. Difficult Mom are probably just difficult people. I love the points your share on how to deal with difficult Moms. Great insight!
What good ways to handle a difficult, know-it-all mom. You don’t want to hurt their feelings but you have to what you think is best for your child.
Wonderful points. As the number of kids in my home has grown I’ve learned that there are so many options because there are so many kids. They all have different needs and preferences. And yes. Listening to moms is the best we can do… Listening isn’t the same as agreeing.
Marissa
My most difficult person is not even a mom. It is someone who has no children yet says “In my experience with children”. I want to reply, what experience, but I hate to bring up the fact that she is childless. I try with much praying to just let it roll. I know my child, and I know what is best for her. No one else knows her like I do.
I usually tell people they will get a lot of advice and they don’t have to follow it all. Just do what works for them.
Oh man! Do I know some of those moms! I love your tips for dealing with them. They are basically the same ones I use for dealing with them too.
REALLY great list. We’ve all been in this type of scenario, unfortunately.
I think this is some great advice. Sometimes listening break downs a lot of barriers. Also a good reminder it’s important not to let other people’s opinion become our own opinion.
I need to hear that — my husband tells me I can be that way about breastfeeding lol that I’m a pro-breastfeeding warrior and shout down people who don’t. I’m not sure why I feel so strongly about it, but there are a million options for caring for our babies.
I needed to hear that — my husband says I’m a warrior for breastfeeding lol
I know I need to backoff and stop being so judgy judgy, but sometimes it’s difficult to understand why a mother would choose anything else.
I’m taking deep breaths and trying to let it go haha
I just remind moms that what works for some doesn’t work for all and we can all agree to disagree.
Interesting subject. Being an older Mom, I think in some instances I just don’t care about what others think. Now I am opening to suggestions and I often do seek out others for assistance, but I am not tolerant of people imposing their opinions into my life.
You have to learn to set boundaries…..letting mom know that she is not mommy anymore but Mom. Of course we love our moms….but what we allow will continue….forgiveness is key.