Answering The Call

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Do you have a calling from the Lord?  Maybe more than one?

I do!

For most of my life I have known that I was called to adopt a child.  For medical reasons, I wasn’t ever sure I could get pregnant, so I just thought that the draw towards adoption was a practical one. But through God’s favor and grace–we conceived three beautiful and healthy boys pretty easily.

But that gentle tug on my heart for adoption never ceased.  It wasn’t merely a call to be a mom, it’s a call to be a mom to someone else’s biological child.  OK God.

 

Over the past three years, I have managed to successfully ignore my calling. Deny it. Write it off. Pretend I didn’t understand. Ya know–disobey.

 

Today I discovered a pattern–but first, I’ll tell you what happened to me on Tuesday:

A sweet friend of mine told me that she was praying for me and had a vision. In this vision, she saw my 3 boys standing in a field–they were a little older; she thought Joseph looked around 6 or 7.  Along with my three boys, there was a sweet little curly/brown haired little girl in the group.  YES.

After she told me, I literally broke.

Cried and sobbed–and in front of people no less.

How amazing that God sent this vision to her to deliver to me! My God sees me and he loves me and he knows my name–He writes it on the palm of His hand!

The next feeling I had was surprising–waves of guilt went rushing OUT of me.  I was used to piling guilt on, but not off.

I realized at that moment that I had convinced myself–at the deepest soul level–that I missed my call at some point over the past 3 (or more) years.  I thought that God had ordained a child for my family and I missed it and now that child (MY CHILD!) was out there in the world and I would never get him/her back.

And oh my gosh–there would be times when my family of 5 would be all in the room together and I would feel the urge to call one more in…a literal piece missing from my family.

The guilt that I had been unknowingly carrying around was gone.

The invisible weight.  A boulder, really.  Gone. Praise the Lord.

But now, the call is confirmed–no more denying it.

 

I have been here before, though.  My call has been confirmed many times in the past.  And that’s where the pattern comes in.

1. My call is confirmed.
2. I’m excited and so I begin to take steps towards “answering” the call.  Take new ground, if you will.
3. The enemy doesn’t like that.  He gets to me in one of his sneaky, conniving ways.
4. I back down. Question my call.  Doubt my connection with my Savior.
5. Repeat.

Every. Single. Time.

But I have never had the confirmation so sure as a vision from the Lord.  My friend told me about it on Tuesday.

Today is Friday and my kids have had like, the worst week ever.

My oldest is bullying my two younger kids and telling lies and cheating!  He’s never done that before!

Grant has been throwing a fit when I drop him off at preschool–when he used to happily walk in.  And he is stuttering more than ever–I thought we were past that.

And then poor Joseph has fallen and hurt himself badly three times when I wasn’t watching.  No ER visits, but bumps and scratches–and lots of tears.  And had I just been WATCHING, it wouldn’t have happened.

 

On Thursday, I had this very thought: “How can I be trusted with another precious child when I can’t even take care of the kids I’ve got!?”  [see step 4]

But before I totally backed down, it hit me–The enemy is getting to me in the most despicable way–through my most treasured assets.  My kids.

Am I going to back down this time? No! I am claiming this new ground in Jesus’ name.  HIS call on MY life.

The devil doesn’t want to see Christian families adopt children because he knows that the love of Christ would save a lost child and create another warrior in God’s army.

 

If you’re reading this, say a prayer that I can stand strong in this battle and more importantly, lean into my Lord and not away from Him.

Pray that I can break the patterns of the past and that I can do it all for the Kingdom.  Not my will, but your’s, Father.